Endless thoughts.

Unspeakable sadness, unreachable thoughts.

Fear of losing someone, fear to fall.

Fear to felt that tragic feeling.

In the very first moment it was all wrong.

Yes I knew it, yes I can feel you under my skin.

Slowly but it's moving.

Need to turn my back at you.

Need to forget that once I had you.

Option is not on my list.

Unclear past, unclear answers.

A lot of questions in my head.

I ask you, silence is my answer.

Tears want to run in front of you.

Experience block it.

Fake smile drew my face.

I need to be tough.

I need to stand again.

No more nightmares.

"I feel so safe when I'm with you, you're so warm. I'm happy when I am with you, feels like I'm on a top of a mountain...." 

Bittersweet Happiness (The Freefalling)

Do you know what true love is? It’s not just a three words, it’s a feeling you will never forget, a feeling you can’t easily express. Once you feel this sweet thing, it’s like all of your dreams can come true. It has ups and down. You and that special person will argue from time to time, jealousy, doubts and hate arises, but you know what’s the best part of true love,  - at the end of the day , you’ll staying together again. You will accept all his flaws even if it hurts you a lot.

Understanding, trust and forgiving is the formula of that sweet recipe. But here comes pain, when half of your heart decided to take a leap away from you. The only thing that left to you is the sweet memories, and a touch that still lingers on your skin. It will take days, months and years to accept the fact that half of your heart will be gone forever but part of you will always be waiting. You decide that you will live a new life, you will be meeting different kinds of people, you will meet someone you thought they’re special but at the end of it all you can see is your true love’s face, all you can remember is that sweet memories.

For all these years, I came to understand now, what’s the meaning of “pain behind the smile.” I treasure all the sweet memories that him and I made. I miss those nights when him and I dance, those places we’ve been through. I miss those dozens of roses every time I wake up. Those pinky promises and that wonderful ring. I appreciate surprises because of him. I don’t know how many years will this pain remains but for now, I must do what I must do.

And when I’m ready to take that freefall again, I know what to do; I will make that someone happy and protect him from pain, because I know what pain is, I believe that someone out there deserves a real caring, laughter and love, just like what I deserved. I’ll hold that someone’s hand tight and I will never let go of it.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

Painting a Bucket of Tears

Pride holds still.

Ego makes me stand.

Confidence makes me walk.

But breathing is harder than I thought.

I said I won't fall.

Own words kept me drowning.

No colors will express how I feel.

Black and white is the only color I can see.

I want you.

I need you.

Should I step back.

Should I forget you.

Doubt makes me blind.

Trust is not in my dictionary.

Love is just a word.

Pain is the only I can feel.

I want to cry.

I want to shout your name.

I don't know where to start.

I don't know where to stop.

If only I could let you inside my heart.

A thousand smile will never replaced yours.

If only my mind let go the feelings.

Then I will be yours.

Strong is not the right word.

Coward it is.

Like a fragile glass.

Afraid to be broken.

Here I am standing in front of my reflection.

Like a tiger they thought I was.

But I was just like a little kitten.

Who wants to be loved.

If I ask you to stay, will you?

If I ask you to love me, will you?

If I say "I Love You" , would you love me back?

So many questions, but I don't know how to ask.

Forgetting is the only way.

Running from you is the only thing I can do.

Watching you from afar, makes me smile a bit.

Someday I will, someday I'll be ready.

Big Brain John

He stand's 6ft, walking like a broom stick.
Like a wimpy kid, falling in a manhole.
Like a homosexual, dancing under the lights.
An eyes like Mulan, talked like Jackie Chan.

Grew up in the City of Giants.
Move into the Pearl of the Orient.
With his fairy, he comes along.
After the angel took the brain of the flock.

Tried his best to grow up like a knight.
Got Einstein's head, he made his own rainbow.
Planting some gold for his future.
Creating a new garden of life.

Entering in a chocolate world,
He met a lot of enchanted beings.
Sit in the corner,
Doing his own thing.

Then a funny little cat became his friend.
A creature who wear a fancy clothes.
Walk like a dog, growls like a tiger.
Sleeping with him at night.

Under the stars they fall.
Clouds pass by, roses blooms.
Giving gifts, sharing secrets.
Throwing smiles.

Random awesome happened.
Black past steal the creature's memories.
Heart became chains.
Skin became thorns.

She run and hide.
He wants to save her in his playlist.
She close her eyes, bite her lips.
He doesn't quit.

Like a water, he wants to flow.
Fire burned, she refuses it.
Someone will became broken.
Someone will be not sleeping.

Conscience run after her.
Considerations follow.
Keeping quiet is the best.
Opening to possibility is imaginative.

Funny little cat, happily watch.
Big brain John kept doing his own.
Not the end, not the start.
Carousel of life keep on turning.

Reminiscing the painful days

So last year may mga nangyari sa aking kamalasan, nagwork na ako sa isang telecommunication company before, mabait mga tao, mga professional kumilos and lahat sila jolly kausap, huling week ng August dun na ako nakaramdam ng sakit ng gums for two or three days pumapasok pa ako at napapansin na rin ng ibang mga ka-officemate ko na humihina ako kumain and lagi na lang akong tahimik, even one of our supervisor nakapansin na sa pamamaga ng aking lips (actually pa-akyat na ang maga sa ilong ko, hindi na nga pantay mukha ko nun). Nagugutom ako pero hindi ako makanguya, hindi rin ako makapagsalita pero hindi rin ako makaiyak, kahit anong pain killer sa akin hindi rin tumalab or antibiotic until sininat na ako, so nag-decide na ako umuwi, thanks kay mr. Angelo sinamahan niya ako sa clinic nun, pero pauwi wala na akong kasama, nahilo na ako sa biyahe ko nun pauwi at ramdam ko ang sakit plus gutom na gutom pa ako pero hindi ako makakain.

Nagulat mama ko nung paguwi ko, ang putla ko na at tulala na ako nun, kinakausap niya ako, pero hindi na ako makapagsalita, until I break down, so pumunta kami sa dentist at doon nakita sa x-ray ang namuong "nana" pero sabi ng doctor nakita na rin thru gums habang tinataas niya ang lips ko at ang sakit sobra, so niresetahan niya ako ng mga high dosage na gamot dahil infected na daw sobra.

After a week bumalik ako and then nagstart na ang procedure, pero patuloy pa rin ang pag intake ko sa mga gamot.

Eto yung pinapantusok sa akin, para lumabas ang "nana" at 3 ipin ang tinutusok sa akin, kelangan luminis pero bago yung anesthesia muna, hindi ko mabilang ang tusok ng anesthesia pero ang alam ko lang masakit at madalas lagi akong napapasigaw at napapaluha, minsan natatabig ko pa ang doctor ko, pero kahit may anesthesia ramdam ko pa din ang pagtusok at paglabas pasok ng file. Ang sinasabi lang sa akin ng doctor ko is:

"alam kong masakit, pero tiis lang,hingang malalim"

paulit-ulit niyang sinasabi. For two months ginagawa niya sa akin yan, after 2 to 3 days, minsan ayoko na ngang bumalik.

Sample pics na nakuha ko sa net, pero ganyan din yung itsura nung sa akin.

eto yung itsura ng teeth ko nung tinanggal ang crown at binutasan for root canal.

removing of my crown.

Kalagitnaan ng November 2011, natapos ang procedure but before that kelangan ko pa magsuot ng prosthetic for ilang weeks, I can't eat right, ang pain every night naramdaman ko, hindi na tumatalab sa akin ang pain killer na binigay nila, but ayaw na nila ako bigyan pa ng bago baka ikasira na ng aking kidney. But in the end, nagdecide na lang ako ipabunot yung mga infected na ipin pero ilang weeks din ako nagantay para magsara ang sugat, kase hindi nila pede gawin sa akin ang huling procedure na open wound pa, baka magkaroon lang ng problem. After that niresetahan ulit nila ako ng vitamins, and toothpaste sensodyne sa teeth ko, pepsodent sa gums ko, oral care ang mouthwash.

Pero worth it, kase ngayon nakakain na ako ng mabuti at medyo nakakarecover na rin ang katawan ko, dahil bumagsak ang katawan ko nun, at laging mainit ang ulo ko dahil na rin siguro sa pasulpot-sulpot na kirot. Actually upper jaw pa lang yan, yung lower jaw maybe this year ko din pagawa, pero this time patutulugin na nila ako, kase kung tama pagkakaintindi ko bubukahin nila ang jaw ko, the lower part. Pero hindi pa ako handa, bukod sa laki ng gastos at mga days na mawawala nanaman sa akin ay nakakapanghinayang kaya saka na pag-ready na ulit ako, Enjoy ko muna ang mga pagkain na masarap hehehe.

Dear God and to our Mother;

This is my first blog for the year 2012 and wanna say thank you sa mga biyaya na binigay mo po sa akin.

1. tinupad niyo po ang hiling ko na makalis na ang aking kuya papuntang ibang bansa

2. maging payapa ang pag-iisip ng aking ina.

3. magkaroon ako ng magandang buhay.

Sa ika-3 ko pa lang kahilingan humihingi na ako ng pasasalamat, dahil una after po ng mga trials na binigay niyo sa akin last year nakakuha ako ng magandang work sa isang kilalang company sa buong mundo and above all I didn't expect it na above minimum po ang aking sasahurin. Second nakilala ko ang aking lolo at ngayon tinutulungan niya ako sa isang bagay na hindi ko po alam kung kakayanin ko (regarding po ito sa isang company). Ang balak ko lang naman po sana ay magkaroon ng maliit na negosyo. Pero binigyan niyo pa po ako ng sobra pa po doon. I'm not worthy to receive a grace from You pero binigay niyo po lahat. Kahit pagod ako palagi hindi ko po kayo makakalimutan pangako ko po sa inyo yan.

Last 2011, nung nagkasakit ako at nawala pati work ko, para po ako nawalan ng pag-asa, pero lagi lang po ako pinapalakas ang loob ko ng aking ina. Bukod pa po doon may pinagdaanan din po ng mabigat ang aking pamilya, pero ngayon alam ko na kung bakit niyo po binigay sa akin ganun ang mga trials po na yun, at sa ngayon po ako po ay nagpapasalamt sa lahat. Hindi naman po ako humihiling na makalibot sa ibang bansa, o kumita ng milyon, ang gusto ko lang ay isang mapayapang buhay kasama ang aking mga magulang at mga kapatid. Pero kayo po ang may hawak ng buhay ko, kaya sa inyo ko po ipapaubaya ang lahat. Muli nagpapasalamat po ulit ako sa inyo. Tired but I'm happy.

Thank you GOD. :)